When you realize your heart is broken...

I was writing a sermon this past weekend for a preaching engagement I had when I realized that something was very, very wrong.

I realized that my heart is broken. I didn't realize this at first because I was about getting things done and moving forward and helping other people deal (or not deal) with their pain. I was moving onward and upward in the midst of a landmine I did not even realize I was standing in the middle of.

And then it happened, I used a scripture in my sermon that was one of her favorites, and it all came crumbling down. I miss her. I miss the way that we used to pray together and believe for the impossible to happen. I miss sitting across the table from her and hearing about how much she loved the Lord and the things that He had done in her life.

I'm gonna be honest here...she was not always easy to love. There were times when it was next to impossible to be with her because things were not always good...but there was a space between us that was always just understood. She knew my heart, partly because she helped shape it. She taught me what it was to pray and believe that God was able to do what you were asking for. She taught me the beauty and importance in praying for your spouse. She taught me what it is to be a woman of the word, and I am more thankful that I can even begin to say that I learned that from her.

But I can't help but think that she would have loved this part of my life. She would have loved that I am preaching the Word of God. She would have reminded me that this is in my blood and it is part of my heritage. Sharing God with people is part of who I am.

I wanted so much to call her when I preached on Sunday. To tell her everything that was in my heart. But as I looked at my phone, I was reminded of how empty it can be to be the one who is left here and even more than that I am reminded how homesick my heart is.