Dreaming.

So. When Brent and I got married we lived in a house that was ours. Well, actually it belonged to the bank...but you know what I mean. In 2003 we sold the house that we loved due to a set of circumstances that just put us in a hard place.

It ended up being a good thing because it brought us to Texas, but after 5 years of being renters it has really reminded us of how much we loved owning our own home. We have done so much talking and looking at houses, with no real fruit coming from it. I had no idea how far this dreaming was going to take us~

One night we were at dinner and I took a piece of paper out of my purse and a pen and we started brain storming all of the things that we want in a house. Our lists differ a little, but by and large they are the same. We want to be in a certain part of town, we want to keep the kids in their school district. I want a library for my books, and he wants a circle driveway. I want 2 fireplaces, and a window seat where I can sit and read my books. I want an amazing view out my office window where I can look when I need inspiration for something to write about. Brent wants vaulted ceilings, hardwood floors and a 3 car garage~ with lots of space for him to work on projects. He also wants a place to build a tree house for the kids.

The more that we thought, the more our ideas started to shift. Instead of looking at houses we started looking at pieces of land and house plans. In the natural I cannot see how any of this works out, but that is the awesome part. I believe in a super-natural God...so maybe I don't have to understand how it all works. So far we have found a piece of land next to a quaint little lake that is smack in the middle of town...right where we want to live. It has the coolest street name (which was one of the things that I wanted on my list). AND to top it all off, the other day when Brent was online looking at houses and I was sitting at the desk going through a floor plan book~ he showed me a house that he wanted...and it just so happened to be the exact same house I had marked in the book I was looking at! Now we know what we want... I can't wait to see what God has to say about it!!

What I Want..

A little while back I was asked to speak at a breakfast. I was nervous about what I would say, and my best friend was going to be there, so that old "fear of man" issue set in. But as I prayed through what it was I wanted to say, this scripture came to mind~

John 1:37~ “When the two disciples heard him say this, they followed Jesus. Turning around Jesus saw them following & asked them ‘What do you want’?”

All sorts of thoughts went running through my head when I meditated on this verse. First of all it is extraordinarily clear to me that Jesus did not have to turn around to know that they were there. He also did not have to ask them what they wanted to know exactly what they wanted.

It got me to thinking, when we come to Him, Jesus doesn’t have to turn around to know that we showed up. We each come to Him for a very different reason, for our own purposes, for our own needs. Each of us got our own invitations from the Lord, and we choose to respond. Just like he asked them that day, I think that he is asking us that same question: What do you want? Why are you following me? He knows, he has always known. But he so badly wants us to have that conversation with him.

As I was reading over this scripture I started mulling over what it is that I want from Jesus and my relationship with Him. This is the short list I came up with.

I want to have patience~ abundant, overflowing patience. For every one in my life, for every situation.

I want to be able to love others well, the way that Jesus does. The way He loves me. Seeing beyond faults and mistakes. Seeing beyond people’s idiosyncrasies that I don’t understand. I want to just be able to love their soul and their spirit from the start.

I want to be able to forgive people without needing an apology. I want to be able to say I forgive well because I am acquainted with what I am forgiven of. I may be far removed from that situation but I am intimately acquainted with every mistake that I have ever made and I am forgiven of every single one, but I remember, and because I remember the forgiveness I am able to give it.

And lastly, I want to be able to see the people in my life….with an eternal perspective. The way that Jesus sees them. Not just to hear they are hurting, and respond out of this is what is best for NOW, or this will fix it right now. But to be able to see them with an eternal perspective so that I can approach them on that level. That I can see them the way that Jesus sees them. That I am not just concerned with their right now, but I am concerned about their forever. I want that . I want that for myself and I want that for those around me.

So, if Jesus were to be standing in front of you right now, asking what you want from Him, what would you say??

It's all in how you remember

If you know or if you don't...we are knee deep in the process of hubby adopting my (our) son. There are so many parts of this that are hard, and the whole thing has just reopened wounds that have long since been covered with band aids that were not the right size.

Tonight as my son and I were laying on my bed talking, I brought up the subject of the adoption. He has gone up for prayer twice in the last month at church, and so I figured that it was time for him and I to talk about it. As I thought, there was a lot of things riding under the surface. At the beginning of the process he appeared to be taking it all really well...but now there are thoughts~ so many thoughts that he has. And I have many of my own.

But tonight we were able to go to a place that was really raw with each other. He told me that he missed his biological father. (OUCH) I thought for a moment before speaking and told him that I figured it was "the idea" of said biological father that he misses~ not the actual person because they have not seen each other in 14 years. Mike has no memory of him...for that I am thankful. As we spoke longer he agreed that he does not remember...that what he thinks about is what I told him~and that got me to thinking.

So I told Mike that it is hard for me because I do remember~ I remember that day when it happened. I remember holding him in my arms when he died, and looking through the emergency room window as they were working on him...wondering if they would be able to save him. I remember him being in a coma for 6 days and the nurse telling me that if he did not open his eyes that day, that the next day I would have to make decisions about signing papers to have his life support turned off. I remember those things...he does not. His memory of this is that of a story that he heard, like it happened to someone else. And that is how he thinks about it...in the distance.

But it is not distant to me. When I think about it too long, I can see him that day when I walked in the house. I can feel the weight of him in my arms as I drove him to the hospital. I feel almost haunted by the sounds of the death rattle. More than anything I want to forgive my ex-husband. More than that I want to forgive myself for leaving him at the house that day. I want my mom to forgive me for asking her to babysit him while I went to the Dr's office.

I just want to be forgiven. I want to forgive because I know that Christ forgave me first. But every June 1st it comes back. A reminder of how the door to my childhood and innocence was slammed shut behind me like the iron doors of a prison. The saddest part of that is that I know the door is open...but I just can't seem to find my way out...

But my son...my son is not angry, he does not feel like his insides have been ripped out. He just knows that he is loved, by his Dad, the dad who held him when he was sick. The dad who taught him how to ride a bike and tie his shoes, and climb trees and fish and hunt and drive the car into the driveway! The dad who has been there every day, day in and day out. Loving him the best way that he knows how.

It really is all in how you remember... and as I write this tonight, I am doing my best to remember that The same God that saved my son and breathed life back into his body that day in the hospital is the same God who wants to give me back everything I've lost.

For Mariah

To my sweet princess


I know that sometimes when you look at yourself you see faults.
You see things that you have done wrong.
You see the places where you have failed.
The times that you got off on to a bumpy road.

But I want you to know what I see when I look at you.
I see the beauty of the King.
I see the handiwork of the creator of the universe .
I see unlimited possibilities
With unrivaled passion for life and all that it holds.
I see a zeal for nature
And all that is naturally good and pure.
I see a light that began as a small flicker
But has grown into a flame of unimaginable power and worth.

You see, my dear, when I look at you I see not only
The young woman that I love so dearly,
I see the daughter of the King.
I see one who holds the secrets of the universe inside of her.
I see one who has been called from the ancient of days
To do things that she has only yet to imagine.

My sweet, when you look in the mirror
I pray that you will see who I see,
Who God sees…

A sweet princess just beginning to come into her own.

You are joy unspeakable in my life.
You are treasure that my heart cannot contain.
You are a gift for which there could be no adequate price tag.

I know that you hear the Father calling to you.
You hear Him in the trees of the field and the
Animals of the earth.

Open your ears, my princess.
Hear all that He has to say.
And then run.
Run with wild abandon
And be all that He created you to be.

Friends!

I love it when people come to visit! It is so fun!! And I am usually in massive need of a nap when they go home! This week we had some friends and their kids come to stay with us. They also have 6 people in their family~ so doing the math that would tell you that we had 12 people in the house all week...and amazingly enough no one died, there were no major arguements...and much fun was had by all.

There was some hot-tubbing, smores, trips to the zoo and the Dr. Pepper museum. Even a trip out to the location of the Branch Davidian compound!

Now they've gone home and time has come to do some laundry and get the house back to normal!! :)

For my husband

So, every once in a while something strikes me and I am reminded of how much I really do love my husband.

Today as I was doing the dishes, I threw in a cd laying on the counter. It was a Garth Brooks cd. On that cd is the song Lonesome Dove. This song always reminds me of Brent, and the way he stepped in in my life during a time when things were not so good~ and some how seemed to be the weight that brought my life into balance. He used to tell me that he did not want to be my hero. He did not want to be the white knight who came riding in to make everything better. Well~ truth be told there was no way that any person could have made my life better. It was totally going to take Jesus. But the awesome thing about Jesus is that HE uses people~ average, everyday people~ to do extra-ordinary things in the lives of others.

So the lyrics go like this~

She was a girl on a wagon train
Headed west across the plains
The train got lost in a summer storm
They couldn't move west and they couldn't go home
Then she saw him ridin' through the rain
He took charge of the wagons and he saved the train
And she looked down and her heart was gone
The train went west but she stayed on
In Lonesome Dove

So, obviously I was never part of a wagon train...but you get the idea. And every now and then, when things are as they should be...and my mind is cleared of all the garbage of the world, I think about the day that I met my husband. I think of the way that he came in to my life. I think of how it felt like even though my world was still spinning around in circles, once I took his hand...we could stand in the middle of all of that and it seemed to somehow start to slow down. Things were starting to make sense. Like being with the man who God had intended for me to be with might just make life make a little more sense.

Like maybe God had made a man just for me, and maybe HE had made me just for someone specific~ and when we came together as one~ maybe all of my dreams really could come true.

So, Brent...today I want to tell you that I love you. That I am for you. Not just today, but every day. That your presence in my life blesses me, always. That you still make me make sense. I want you to know that I still grateful for the day when I saw you riding through the rain, even more grateful for the moment that I realized you had my heart, I don't ever want it back. I love you. I love you for all of your quirks, and for all of mine that you seem to adore. You are my knight~even though you didn't have to be.

What do you do when...

Your daughter's best friend starts complaining the minute she gets to your house to spend the night and does not stop???

Your son says an inappropriate word at an inconvenient moment~ but the context in which he uses it makes you giggle???

It rains so much that your fave poochers make you sneeze???

You are so tired that all you want to do is sleep all day???

Your husband tries to convince you that getting in the hot tub in a rain storm is a good idea???

The house needs to be cleaned but you would rather do almost anything but clean it???

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My only answer for any of this...

get out my favorite book, crawl into bed...snuggle up into the covers and arrange all of the pillows for maximum comfort and read said favorite book until all of the rest of these things cease to be a concern!