It's all in how you remember

If you know or if you don't...we are knee deep in the process of hubby adopting my (our) son. There are so many parts of this that are hard, and the whole thing has just reopened wounds that have long since been covered with band aids that were not the right size.

Tonight as my son and I were laying on my bed talking, I brought up the subject of the adoption. He has gone up for prayer twice in the last month at church, and so I figured that it was time for him and I to talk about it. As I thought, there was a lot of things riding under the surface. At the beginning of the process he appeared to be taking it all really well...but now there are thoughts~ so many thoughts that he has. And I have many of my own.

But tonight we were able to go to a place that was really raw with each other. He told me that he missed his biological father. (OUCH) I thought for a moment before speaking and told him that I figured it was "the idea" of said biological father that he misses~ not the actual person because they have not seen each other in 14 years. Mike has no memory of him...for that I am thankful. As we spoke longer he agreed that he does not remember...that what he thinks about is what I told him~and that got me to thinking.

So I told Mike that it is hard for me because I do remember~ I remember that day when it happened. I remember holding him in my arms when he died, and looking through the emergency room window as they were working on him...wondering if they would be able to save him. I remember him being in a coma for 6 days and the nurse telling me that if he did not open his eyes that day, that the next day I would have to make decisions about signing papers to have his life support turned off. I remember those things...he does not. His memory of this is that of a story that he heard, like it happened to someone else. And that is how he thinks about it...in the distance.

But it is not distant to me. When I think about it too long, I can see him that day when I walked in the house. I can feel the weight of him in my arms as I drove him to the hospital. I feel almost haunted by the sounds of the death rattle. More than anything I want to forgive my ex-husband. More than that I want to forgive myself for leaving him at the house that day. I want my mom to forgive me for asking her to babysit him while I went to the Dr's office.

I just want to be forgiven. I want to forgive because I know that Christ forgave me first. But every June 1st it comes back. A reminder of how the door to my childhood and innocence was slammed shut behind me like the iron doors of a prison. The saddest part of that is that I know the door is open...but I just can't seem to find my way out...

But my son...my son is not angry, he does not feel like his insides have been ripped out. He just knows that he is loved, by his Dad, the dad who held him when he was sick. The dad who taught him how to ride a bike and tie his shoes, and climb trees and fish and hunt and drive the car into the driveway! The dad who has been there every day, day in and day out. Loving him the best way that he knows how.

It really is all in how you remember... and as I write this tonight, I am doing my best to remember that The same God that saved my son and breathed life back into his body that day in the hospital is the same God who wants to give me back everything I've lost.

For Mariah

To my sweet princess


I know that sometimes when you look at yourself you see faults.
You see things that you have done wrong.
You see the places where you have failed.
The times that you got off on to a bumpy road.

But I want you to know what I see when I look at you.
I see the beauty of the King.
I see the handiwork of the creator of the universe .
I see unlimited possibilities
With unrivaled passion for life and all that it holds.
I see a zeal for nature
And all that is naturally good and pure.
I see a light that began as a small flicker
But has grown into a flame of unimaginable power and worth.

You see, my dear, when I look at you I see not only
The young woman that I love so dearly,
I see the daughter of the King.
I see one who holds the secrets of the universe inside of her.
I see one who has been called from the ancient of days
To do things that she has only yet to imagine.

My sweet, when you look in the mirror
I pray that you will see who I see,
Who God sees…

A sweet princess just beginning to come into her own.

You are joy unspeakable in my life.
You are treasure that my heart cannot contain.
You are a gift for which there could be no adequate price tag.

I know that you hear the Father calling to you.
You hear Him in the trees of the field and the
Animals of the earth.

Open your ears, my princess.
Hear all that He has to say.
And then run.
Run with wild abandon
And be all that He created you to be.

New Beginnings in Perfect Places

Today began a new chapter in our lives~ I (Shannon) started working at the hospital as a volunteer in the chaplain services department. My official title is associate chaplain. I have to say that never in my life have I felt so perfectly suited for what I am doing. As I walked up and down the halls "shadowing" one of the other chaplains today I was clearly aware that in life there are so many times that you miss out on things because of fear or just plain old dis-obedience, yet after a life time of stumbles and mis-steps, some how I was still able to find this place. This perfect place for me. One so uniquely fit to the person that I am. Perhaps uniquely fit to the person that I was created to be. To be able to devote my life praying for people and just showing up for people...it does not get any better than that. Not for me anyway.

It is like all that time that I spent wondering is coming to a close, and an incredible new arena has just been opened up for me to play in! Somehow, I feel like there is no way to fail~ if I just love Jesus and love others the best way that I know how...keep taking the next step in what my Father has laid out before me...this time it just might turn out right!

Memorial Weekend

I did not realize how much we needed a little break until we got one this weekend! Did we ever need a break! We were thinking about going camping this weekend, but when they started talking about how it might rain, we changed our plans.

It ended up not raining, but that was okay, we had an awesome weekend anyway. We went to Hurricane Harbor in Arlington on Sunday. We had such a good time. The boys spent most of their time riding the thrill rides, while the girls spent their time in the wave pool and the lazy river. The best part of the trip though came on the way to Dallas. We had had to make a stop on the way out of town to get ice and drinks, and when we were putting the stuff in the cooler, Brent set his wallet down on the bumper of the truck. And there it sat. As we loaded the ice, as we put in the drinks, as we got back into the truck, as we left the gas station parking lot, as we drove over the bridge and out of town. We obviously had no idea it had been left there, until about 45 miles out of town when some guys pulled up next to us and motioned for Brent to roll down his window.
Phew.

As we got back into the car we quickly thanked God for how awesome he is! When you really think about it, what are the chances that the wallet would have stayed on the bumper that whole time? Probably not all that good. But, when God has your back, what are the chances that it would have slid off the bumper.....

I love it so much when God just does something so awesome like holding Brent's wallet on the bumper for 45 miles, and the kids get to see how present God is in our lives. How they get to see how much he wants to do for them. What an incredible experience to have!

Random Things

Well, I was checking out my friends blogs this morning and thinking about the fact that I have not posted anything in a little bit here... and that is a situation that must be rectified. So, to that end I have compiled the following (not so important) info for ya...

We have had game 6 and 7 since I last blogged, game 6 was a time and 7 was a loss. Funny how people are quick to tell about the wins, but not so quick to tell about the losses. Well, sorry. Our last game of the season is this Saturday. I have mixed feelings about that. I am sad to see the season go, because it will probably be the only time that the 3 kids will all play together on the same team, but on the other hand I am happy to see it over because they were on the same team. lol Anyone with kids that do not see eye to eye all the time will totally understand my sentiments on that.

In other news, we got the results of Brent's last x-ray on his lungs...dun ta da~ it is all good! I was so happy about that. I am glad to know that he is coming back together. Speaking of coming back together...his belly button is almost back to where it used to be. :) I did not know how much it would make him upset that post surgery his belly button was off-center. But I can tell you that it did, but this morning it was noticeably closer to where it belongs!! Woo Hoo

As I was floating through some of those previously mentioned blogs this morning I came across something I did think was blogworthy and I am going to share it below, it is a quote from Nate Saint.

"And people who do not know the Lord ask why in the world we waste our lives as missionaries. They forget that they too are expending their lives... and when the bubble has burst they will have nothing of eternal significance to show for the years they have wasted."

As I have thought long and hard about that today it has led me to feel even more certain that the choices that we make in this life are not to be taken lightly. How the battles that we face with our children are not just about tv and bad attitudes, but so much more about who they will become in Christ. I pray so much that when my bubble bursts and this time is all over and people look at what is left of the life that I had here, they will see 4 of the most amazing people that I will have ever had the privilege to know~ living their lives abandoned to Jesus...and in that I will have accomplished one of the most important things in life. To know that my children walk in the truth. For that is what I want above all else.